Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Perils of Pandering

Posted on Jan 27, 2008

By Andy Borowitz

After equating homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger.

Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controversial remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a Bengal tiger with a homosexual lifestyle.

According to onlooker Tracy Klujian, 27, “the way that tiger started growling during the speech, you could tell that it felt like it was being taunted.”

As Huckabee’s remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their peak, the irate tiger leaped over an 18-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate.

Within minutes, police responding to a 911 call were on the scene, where they fired tranquilizer darts at both the tiger and Huckabee, who had continued to make his offensive remarks throughout the mauling.

According to one aide, the unfortunate tiger attack incident has done nothing to change Huckabee’s position on gay marriage: “Not only that, but now he’s opposed to tigers marrying other tigers.”

In other campaign news, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney used a speech in South Carolina to tout his life experience, including his stint as a generic white male clipart illustration.

Elsewhere, frustrated by persistent questions about steroid use, pitcher Roger Clemens threw a car at a reporter.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2008 Creators Syndicate

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